Another post from last year, moved over from my previous blog. I just saw a neurologist last week and she speculated that it may be stroke/TIA or a seizure disorder instead of MS. I’m supposed to get my head scanned in a couple weeks. Finally. After over a year since first asking Community Medical for a head scan. And then Adventist Health screwing it up for over a month with my insurance.


On day six of one of the worst episodes yet. The intense, chronic pain has become unbearable. So bad I can’t even say without fear of being kidnapped at gunpoint and held hostage for 72 hours again. It’s probably MS. Maybe I would know for sure if I could actually see the right doctors.

I went on Thursday for a scheduled doctor appointment and they turned me away because they said I had two insurances (I don’t). Got to spent three hours Friday morning trying to get that resolved. Last night I almost took myself to the ER. The headaches were so bad and I could barely walk.

Up until recently, I had made some good progress with my depression. Started some new meds back in November and, after the obligatory titration period, I actually had some energy and the suicidal thoughts were gone. That was pretty awesome, considering I’d thought about suicide about 100 times per day up until then. Now the bad thoughts are back. I don’t know if it’s because of ‘depression’ or if the pain is so unbearable that it’s driving me into the darkness and despair.

These ‘episodes’ of pain, confusion and disorientation have been happening on-and-off for about sixteen months now, but depression is something I’ve lived with all of my adult life. I wonder when the actual physical symptoms really started and I didn’t notice, or brushed them off, thinking they were unrelated. In my twenties, I used to drink and do a lot of drugs, so maybe they were hiding my symptoms and I never noticed. Random episodes of unconsciousness and even seizures that I attributed to something else. Even when the headaches and brain fog started, I spent months adjusting my sleep, diet and exercise, thinking that might be the cause. Its been pretty frustrating. I especially hate that I have no motivation to write or play music, even though I have countless ideas for stories and songs in my head. I’ll post up my symptoms later and you can tell me what you think it is, since I can’t seem to get any medical help.

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